WASHINGTON D.C. - Steve Bannon, ex-White House aid and uncle who definitely didn't stare at smoking hot 17 year-old niece Heather for an uncomfortable amount of time last Christmas, has been formally subpoenaed by Robert Mueller's investigation concerning Russia's interference in the 2016 Election. Bannon was subpoenaed Tuesday morning, following a mental breakfast breakdown over there being "entirely too many goddamn pretzels in my trail mix".
Bannon will be required to answer questions about the Trump administration and private conversations held with President Trump. Republicans are skeptical as to how Bannon will fair, considering there is no time for Trump to coach him on questioning and he won't have time to partake in his daily exfoliating Crisco face scrub.
President Donald Trump has still yet to be subpoenaed in the Mueller investigation, but sources do think it's just a matter of time. Close allies to the administration stated that Trump "has been stressing" over the investigation, so much so that his golf pars have been "struggling significantly" and even gone as much as +13 on just the first nine holes.
Although the Mueller investigation is reportedly still in its early stages, they has already subpoenaed several high profile names for questioning. There are small rumblings internally in the investigation that a subpoena for the President of the United States could come as early as next Friday, which would be unfortunate for the president because there is a planned pizza party with cake and low sugar ice cream in celebration of Donald Trumps 100th day of golfing on the government's dime, a goal he set in the earliest days of his campaign.
Bannon is expected to testify about Russian interference in the election and is expected to say something offensive to the Jewish community at his first given opportunity.