AUSTIN, TEXAS - The sad excuse of a human being and even sadder excuse for a US Senator, Ted Cruz claims that his opponent and rival Beto O'Rourke has an unfair advantage in the race for the US Senate seat in Texas because people can look at him in the eyes and not want to punch him square in the kisser.
"Frankly, I think it is a real shame that my opponent can walk around with a handsome and charming smile like that when I was given this permanent sniveling look by God," complained the Senator, "I mean it just isn't fair."
Adding to his complaint Cruz pointed out that people actually like O'Rourke as a person, which he also sees as an unfair advantage since even Cruz's most ardent supporters just tolerate the Canadian born, White Castle eating, pathetic excuse for a human being.
Here is a list of real quotes of people about Ted Cruz:
George W. Bush: “I just don’t like the guy.”
Bob Dole: “I don’t know how he’s going to deal with Congress. Nobody likes him.”
John Boehner: “I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.”
Lindsey Graham: “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.”
Peter King: “I hate Ted Cruz, and I think I’ll take cyanide if he ever got the nomination.”
Donald Trump: “He’s a nasty guy. Nobody likes him. Nobody in Congress likes him. Nobody likes him anywhere once they get to know him.”
Marco Rubio: “Ted has had a tough week because what’s happening now is people are learning more about him.”