CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, AMERICA — Yesterday afternoon, while strolling through the center of all meaning and existence, one man claimed aloud for all to hear that “It’s all my fault!”
The man’s assertions raised eyebrows among skeptics and believers alike. Many of course were quick to scoff, but a handful of curious minds engaged with the man, questioning his pronouncement.
“How can it be your fault Dennis?” asked one man. “All you’ve done for the past seven years is live in your parent’s basement and write songs on your banjo that you’re too afraid to show anyone, all the while demanding respect.”
“Yeah Dennis. It can’t be your fault!” said a woman, speaking overtop two bags of groceries in her arms. “You’re just a narcissist with self-esteem issues!”
Dennis held up his hands, calming the crowd, and responded to their doubts.
“Neighbors… friends… comrades… please dull your rabbling, I have something important to say. It’s clear to me and I presume to many of you as well, that the world is in a troubled state. Nothing seems right and chaos rules the roost. Certainly things were once better and thus something or someone must be blamed for the decline. When I sit back and rack my brain over who could have possibly offset the grand reaction leading to the social decrepitude we find ourselves in today, well, I can’t think of anyone else to blame other than myself!”
The crowd responded with a chorus of gripes and grousing.
“Please, please, good people,” said Dennis, growing impatient. “Listen and you will learn. It’s clearly all my fault. Can’t you see? My unhappiness and lack of respect has rippled throughout society leaving us all unhappy and without self pride. No one realizes how important my bad days are for the world. If you just focus your petty brains for a moment you will realize the importance of my stature. I’ve grown weary of lesser-minded plebeians telling me I take myself too seriously. Don’t you know I could care less about your opinions? The world would be a better place if only everyone took themselves as seriously as I do!”
A glass bottle flew from the crowd towards Dennis, narrowly missing his head and smashing off the ground behind him.
“An example perhaps to illustrate my influence…” he said, holding up a finger. “As a diverse and forward-thinking tweeter, my tweets were responsible for both the rise of the alt-right and the progressive left during the last election cycle. You see, I wrote a series of satirical tweets against both sides, displaying insightful and robust observations that spread throughout the culture affecting the entire zeitgest! But the world proved not ready for my witticisms and clever revelations, leading to existential despair and a loss of national identity, which resulted in our current political polarization.”
“Oh fuck off Dennis,” cried one from the crowd. “You have like 7 followers!”
“Silence you fool!” he screamed. “I am the source of all memetic activity! I am the origin! It’s all my fault! Can’t you see?!”