May 29th - Sources say that Andy Cohen, a 31-year-old sophomore at the University of Rhode Island, finally feels like he has his life together after waking up early enough this morning to eat a meal that still counts as breakfast.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I looked at my alarm clock and it said 9:30 AM,” said Cohen, a father of none. “I didn’t even realize I had an alarm clock.”
Witnesses say that this is the first time in three weeks that Cohen has shown any sign of life before noon, but he says that those days are all part of the past now that he’s starting to figure it all out.
“The old me would still be lying in bed trying to think up excuses to cancel future obligations,” said Cohen. “But now I have the whole day ahead of me to figure that out...I might even cut my mid-afternoon nap down to an hour.”
While Cohen is optimistic that this event signals a turning point in his life, his parents, professors, neighbors and a waitress at Denny’s are all extremely doubtful that this was anything but a one-time occurrence.