WASHINGTON D.C. - President Donald J. Trump addressed the nation Friday night after he authorized a military strike in Syria after the leader Bashar al-Assad used chemical weapons on his own people. Surprisingly, the speech President Trump gave was on script, measured and delivered exactly as his speech writers had written it.
Directly off camera, Chief of Staff John Kelly stood holding up a sticker sheet and pointing to the teleprompter reminding Donald Trump what was at stake during the speech.
During the speech there were several times when the President was seconds away from going off speech to lament about "Lyin' James Comey" or how the allegations that he was urinated on by Russian prostitutes was ridiculous because he was a germaphobe and not because the idea of him sleeping with hookers is enough to deny alone. These diversions from the speech were quelled by the Chief of Staff's ability to negotiate with the President.
"It's no surprise to realize that Trump is mainly motivated by instant rewards such as applause or porn stars, so I decided to implement a Gold Star Sticker chart to track everyone's performance in the White House," said Kelly.
"All I had to do is give one to Jared for not getting arrested yet and Trump became infuriated. I told him to stay on message during the speech and he would get two, making him the leader of the chart. It's as easy as denying accusations of collusion on Twitter."
At the time of publication, Trump was debating whether or not to retweet Alex Jones or earn two stars to put him firmly in the lead on the chart. John Kelly also mentioned that if Trump tries to fire Robert Mueller he would have to pull out the scratch and sniff stickers to avoid a Constitutional crisis like this country has never seen.