Donkey Kong Reportedly Back In Rehab For Crippling Banana Addiction
KONGO JUNGLE - Beloved primate and once upstanding member of the Kongo Jungle, Donkey Kong, has reportedly checked into rehab once more for his crippling banana addiction. The ape, who in his early years was a menace to plumbers everywhere turned his life around in the early nineties when he ended the rule of the evil King K. Rool.
Mr. Kong was reportedly found by authorities with the largest fruit hoard they had ever seen.
"The last time DK was seen packing this much fruit, well, I would guess it would have been the late nineties, we all thought this kind of behavior was frankly behind him," said Kandy Kong, a former lover of the beloved hero, "We all just want him to be well again."
Sources say that Donkey Kong was holding onto the bananas to "prevent scurvy" but authorities point out that the amount he was caught with implied heavy use and possibly distribution. "Sure, people eat bananas, we all need potassium right? But anything more than two bundles and you have to start asking questions," said the arresting officer.
In rehab Mr. Kong is going to tackle his addiction head on, using dried banana chips as a way to wean himself off of the tantalizing fruit. "I just want to wear the red tie with pride again," said DK, "I want to throw a barrel and not have people wonder if I wanted to throw it or if it was just the bananas. They have that right."
Some have linked his banana addiction to recent violent outbursts, as Kong as been seen fighting not only enemies, but friends such as Marion, Fox, Yoshi, Captain falcon, Princess Peach and even Kirby.