Washington D.C. - Shocking the nation today, President Trump announced that he was not racist to a skeptical nation on the eve of Martin Luther King's birthday. Despite literally hundreds of actions and remarks to the contrary, Trump, known for "telling it like it is" made the appalling statement, "I am not racist" in response to the backlash to his racists remarks about immigrants coming from so-called "shitholes" namely Africa and Haiti.
Pundits and Late Night hosts were understandably confused when the usually honest Trump would say something so obviously false. Their concerns were well founded, but put at bay once they had realized that Trump was just participating in National Opposite Day.
Once this realization swept across the nation, the critics were assuaged as the country breathed a sign of relief finally able to rationalize how Donald Trump could claim he was not a racist and still be an honest man. Despite the obvious, Trump also claimed to not be racist because he has one black acquaintance, Ben Carson. When reached for comment by Balanced and Fair News, Ben Carson was asleep.
Luckily, the President is racist and his remarks could be explained by National Opposite Day, keeping the truthful nature of President Trump intact. Without Opposite Day, Trumps statement would have been completely out of line with statements he had made in the past, such as:
“An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud”
“Our great African-American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore."
"I think Islam hates us. We're having problems with the Muslims, and we're having problems with Muslims coming into the country."
“If you look at his wife, she was standing there. She had nothing to say. She probably, maybe she wasn’t allowed to have anything to say. You tell me.”
“He’s a Mexican, we’re building a wall between here and Mexico. The answer is, he is giving us very unfair rulings — rulings that people can’t even believe.”
“I think the guy is lazy, and it’s probably not his fault because laziness is a trait in blacks. It really is, I believe that. It’s not anything they can control.”
Balanced and Fair News will continue to defend President Trump's past statements about not liking brown people in our dedication to the truth.