WASHINGTON D.C. – Recent leaks from the Treasury Department and the White house indicate that President Trump’s Secret Service detail is facing an increased threat from spontaneously appearing time travelers set on assassinating the forty-fifth President of the United States. Reports indicate that at least a dozen attempts on the Commander-in-Chief’s life have occurred since he was inaugurated in mid-January, all from denizens of the future.
One member of the President’s security detail spoke to the Press under the condition of anonymity, “I’ve personally taken down three of these time-traveling miscreants. They all have futuristic weaponry and cybernetic enhancements. One even shouted out something before he was shot, he said something about taking down the United States of Russia, whatever that meant.”
Other leaks indicate that the time hoppers are not only a problem, they are determined. Over ten time leapers have been successfully stopped by the Secret Service. The latest attack came last weekend but the would-be-assassin was far from his mark as Trump was golfing in Mar-a-Lago hundreds of miles from Washington D.C., the place where the President traditionally works.
When asked about the attacks at a press conference, Press Secretary Sean Spicer had this to say, “Obviously, these unwarranted and unjust attempts on the President’s life from the future are a liberal conspiracy theory concocted from the lost Hillary Clinton emails, I mean how could this even be true when the President had 15 million people watch his inauguration?” Reporters in the room had no follow up questions to Spicer’s answer, they instead participated in a group eyeroll.
The Secret Service did have this statement to offer shining light on this issue while avoiding leaks, “The United States Secret Service will rededicate itself to keeping the President safe from all threats, foreign and domestic, past, present and future and on and off the golf course.” Reporters also tried to get a statement from the administration’s Kellyanne Conway, but was informed she was unavailable due to being in time-out.