Fox News to Restructure Retirement Plans into “Fired for Sexual Harassment” Payouts

NEW YORK – Fox News’ HR Department recently announced a change in the company’s retirement plans via a press release. The changes detail the shift from traditional retirement plans to the more and more common payouts after being fired for career-long institutional sexual harassment.


Former Chairmen and CEO Roger Ailes left Fox News in July after multiple accounts of sexual harassment during his 20-year reign as the head of the network. This week, ratings leader Bill O’Reilly was let go for the same reason. Ailes and O’Reilly were pioneers in the new retirement program offered by Fox leaving the network with a 40-million and 25-million-dollar payout respectively.


The new shift at Fox discourages the use or IRA and 401K plans and instead suggest an early career focus on perpetual and well documented sexual harassment towards female employees. “Obviously, we want these claims documented,” said a spokesperson from Fox News, “Otherwise, it’ll be very hard to fire the employee, and if they can’t get terminated, they’re at a very high risk of not getting a substantial payout.”


New guidelines at the news network encourage a career progression that has a new sexual harassment claim brought against a rising male star every four to five years. The literature making the rounds at the news agency warns against too much harassment too soon. Said a spokesperson, “This could very well lead to straight termination without compensation. Nobody wants that.”


It seems the careers of O’Reilly and Ailes have been shown to be ideal examples for success with the new strategy. “The key is to become indispensable to the company, then have everything come to light, not before. Also, being a loud, raging, cocky asshole for 15 years on television also helps,” said O’Reilly when asked how new employees should start planning their harassment schedules.


When asked about female employees’ retirement plans, Fox News suggested they either marry a wealthy man before their looks deteriorated or to be on the other side of a male employee’s sexual harassment claim and receive a settlement that way.

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