SAN DIEGO - Local, self-proclaimed funnyman, Alexander Petit, found himself facing a creative dry spell Monday night as he sat down to write an article lambasting the newly elected President Trump. The trouble came when he began to brainstorm with his roommate Joan Kessler who recounted the experience, “Alex was on a roll, idea after idea came out, but after some research, we found out all of those ideas had already been fleshed out, by AP News and CNN.”
The writer’s first idea was admittedly weak but seemed like a quick and easy article to write, the title was to be “Upset with Reality, Trump Team Introduces ‘Alternative Facts’ to Make Him Always Right.” Imagine Petit’s surprise when he learned that Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway defended lies told by trump Press Secretary Sean Spicer by calling his falsehoods “alternative facts” during a Meet the Press interview.
“I mean really? You have got to be kidding me,” remarked Petit, “I’d have bet 20 dollars that was an Onion article!”
Petit’s second idea to be trumped by reality was a parodic take on a President Trump whose entire Presidency was focused solely on proving his inauguration had the largest in attendance ever. The local writer was dumbfounded when he learned that the President of the United States of America stood in front of the sacred CIA stars representing the fallen heroes from our nation’s top intelligence agency and continued to falsely claim that he had record attendance at his inauguration, when photo and video evidence to the contrary existed, proving him wrong. At this point Petit reportedly began to pace fervently across the room while his grip on reality slowly became less and less secure.
“Okay, okay, I got it,” sources say Petit proclaimed in a moment of clarity, “I got this, there is no way this idea can be real. This one is classic Trump re-imagined.”
The desperate writer began describing a vivid farcical story to his roommate that the President would declare again, with absolutely no evidence, that he won the popular vote, this time to members of Congress, emphasizing the imaginary five million or so people that illegally voted against him. When his roommate asked him gently to sit down and take a deep breath, announcing to him that the story he described had actually just happened, Petit reportedly performed an actual spit take, fell to his knees and screamed at the heavens, “Why hast thou forsaken me, O cruel God!” at the top of his lungs.
Creatively drained and within minutes of completely sliding down the slope of utter disbelief and acceptance of the bizarre reality that was his life, Petit was last seen being checked into a mental institution where, quite ironically, several patients that were admitted a year ago for asserting that Donald Trump would one day be the most powerful man on the planet, were just released.