WASHINGTON – In a meeting that was held just hours ago in Trump Tower, President-Elect Donald Trump received a briefing from top intelligence officials on Russia’s alleged interference in the November election. The officials - Director of National Intelligence James Clapper, CIA Director John Brennan and FBI Director James Comey – laid out the case of Russian meddling in the election step by step, slide by slide, in the nearly three hour briefing. The presentation was only supposed to last one hour but was delayed by the President Elect’s constant interjections to correct the report, sources say.
Officials were stopped numerous times as Donald Trump pointed out obvious “bigly” flaws in the report. When briefed on a password hack into the RNC databases Trump corrected the intelligence offers, saying the password wasn’t stolen, the Russians already knew it. When asked how he knew this, Donald Trump just began texting his Vice President Elect, Mike Pence to help him with an answer, muttering, “Damn, those were supposed to be thoughts, not words.”
Later in the brief, he stopped intelligence officials and let them know the dates they had were incorrect for the timing of the initial hack. “No, no, no, they were hacking Hillary back in June, way before August like you guys think, hacking her huuuuge.” When questioned how he could back up a claim, President Elect Trump replied, “People are saying this. You hear people say this. I don’t know, because I didn’t ask them to do it, who said that?” At the time of press, we could not verify who “people” are, and whether or not they did indeed say that, nor if they were a credible source or not. This reporter supposes we never will.
Trump is on the record stating "there was no tampering whatsoever with voting machines, no way, we tried that, way too difficult apparently, and I should know, I am very good with computers, my ten year old recently helped me download every episode of The Apprentice to my computer, so now I can watch me while play Solitaire and enjoy a taco bowl from Trump Grill.” Independent fact checking has verified this to be true, billionaire Donald Trump does indeed know the rules of Solitaire.
Near the end of the briefing, the officials made a very strong case that Vladimir Putin himself was behind the meddling and cyber attacks, providing evidence and sources proving their claim. Unconvinced, Donald Trump showed the briefing team how he knew Putin had nothing to do with the hacking, by calling him on the spot from his speed dial.
According to our sources, the exchange was short: Mr. Putin, on speakerphone, asked the President Elect if he was on speakerphone, once Trump acknowledged he was, and the top US officials were listening in, he was reportedly told to “hang up ze damn phone you fool!” and Trump ended the call - not before apologizing to the foreign leader he called “sir” obediently.
Ending the brief, the officials urged President Elect to take action against Russia for their meddling in the election. He responded. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of Putin. I have a really tremendous gift basket coming his way. Very smart guy!”
This briefing was held just two weeks before Donald J. Trump will be sworn in as President of the United States of America on January 20, 2017, also known as the day George W. Bush celebrates shedding his “Worst President Ever” title.